C.O.D.= CRAP ON DELIVERY

My officemate Ronald recalls, back in his college days at UST, a day when the urge to go suddenly hit him on the way home.

First came the shivers then the stomach clenching. He decided he could hack it, he would make it back to Marikina before needing to go. But the jeep he was on was stuck in traffic in Cubao. A quick reconsideration. He disembarked and started the short walk to C.O.D. department store. The thing was: the stomach clenching attacks were coming a bit too frequently. He was in labor! Suddenly he had to calculate how many steps he could take before letting loose. Once inside the store, the cool airconditioned air didn't help either. He remembers how the world went dim at the edges... and all his strength was redirected to helping him reach the comfort room without stumbling, or doing it in his pants. The pure relief that arrived inside the humble bathroom was enough to keep Ronald smiling all the way home. And, he reports with surprise, the bathrooms in C.O.D. are quite clean.

TO SIT OR NOT TO ShIT?

And then there was the time I went on a date with my girlfriend to SM Megamall. We were watching a pulse-pounding suspense thriller which was so good, I forgot the darn title. Of course just when the action started becoming pretty wild, with guns and blood in a torrent of fury, my bowels commence a queasy undulation. Uh-oh, I tell my date, who looks at me with a mixture of revulsion and surrender once she's informed of the situation. I ask her to tell me what happens while I'm gone, and decide that I can't wait for the movie to end. The cold sweats have started their work.

I head on down to the crummy Megamall cinema comfort room and look for a potential bowl. Just my luck that they seem to have been cleaned recently. No splatters or anything more substantial in the bowl. I pick the one farthest away from the door and hunker down. And then I realize there aren't any toilet seats. How do I do this? Squat a few inches away from the bowl, to keep my bum free from germs? I try it, but can't hold the position more than a few minutes before realizing: "This is difficult!" At the end, I say the hell with it and sit on down. If my bum starts getting rashes or fungus in the next few days, so be it. The bowels move on out, I wipe myself clean with the few sheets of toilet paper supplied by my date and pray that I don't start itching right away. Of course I never do.

DESERTED BY DATE, BEFORE DESSERT

But if you want to talk about horrific dates then nothing beats this story.

During his vacation here in Manila, one of our balikbayan friends named Rafael decides to finally give in to the teasing of the rest of the group and date another common friend, a girl named Cherry. It's a cute first date, all things considered. But not for the weak-hearted.

Comandeering his dad's Toyota Corolla one balmy evening, Rafael picks up Cherry and they have dinner, then talk, then head out to the general vicinity of Tomas Morato to look for dessert. Except that something else comes looking for Rafael. While driving about, the familiar gut-tightening hits him. And when Cherry asks about his far-too-obvious anxiety, he decides to be forthright about the entire situation and tell her that he's got to find a friendly toilet bowl... and soon! Since they are near another friend's house along T.Morato, they drive up to it and commence trying to contact him by phone. No luck. It's 10:30 pm, and they don't want to ring any doorbells. Although later on, their friend assures us all he was at home watching TV, the distressed duo had to find another solution quickly. They cruise along Morato until they reach something which looks hopeful: Hotel Rembrandt! A hotel after all, always has clean toilets. So with effusive apologies for the hilarious situation, Rafael parks and leaves Cherry at the lobby while he (finally) relieves himself of dinner at the hotel's comfy comfort room. They laugh all the way home. After something like that, how much more face can you lose?

DRIPPING AT THE MALL

Here's one that's sad, but true.

One of our female friends recounts one Saturday at the Metropolis department store in Alabang. After three games of tenpin bowling, she had to head for the comfort room and relieve herself of all the water she'd been guzzling. At the women's room however, was a line long enough to discourage new entries. Apparently, on that floor, there were two busted stalls, and only 3 others in working condition-- which was why the line was taking forever. So there was our friend, all sweaty and tired, waiting in line, when what should she see? In the line ahead of her, was a decent-looking woman in a skirt and classy blouse who was obviously in some state of agitation. There was something wrong with the woman, it was clear. And then a thin line of brownish liquid started snaking its way down her leg, from underneath her skirt. Accompanying this was a septic tank stench that brought all eyes on the woman. People started moving away from her, obviously not wanting to be near the poor woman who hadn't been able to hold it in. Our friend, tired and needing desperately to pee, decided she couldn't stand the line or the stench, and went to look for another comfort room.

HONG KONG AIRPORT EXPLOSIVES

Finally, there is this story which stars the same girl who witnessed the dripping woman at Alabang. Upon arrival at Hong Kong, she realizes she has to "go" and heads to the airport lavatories. Unfortuinately, once again, there is a line to rival any tourist destination. She waits patiently, feeling the beans she had for lunch somersaulting in her intestines. Just when she thinks she can't hold it in another second, her turn finally comes. Eureka! Saved by the bell! She enters the cubicle, conscious that the line behind her hasn't abated at all, and proceeds to pull down her pants. Once her butt touches the seat, she finally lets go only to hear: a series of loud explosions. It's really only her crap hitting the water of the bowl, but she knows everyone in the almost silent comfort room has heard the splashes and winced. It occurs to her suddenly that it would be cool to be able to unscrew her head and hide it in her bag just like in that music video by Orbital. Except that music videos aren't life. And so, once she's through, she escapes the shameful situation by exiting with eyes focused narrowly on her shoes.

So there.

Whatever bowel movement situations you may have gone through probably pale in comparison to these ones. But hey, scoot us an email if you think you can beat these stories.

And remember: ALWAYS bring toilet paper!

* * *

Author's Note:
Names have been changed to protect the identities of the guilty.

<Author's Bio>
As always, Rene Diwa is full of crap. No wonder his friends love talking about the topic. Computer geek by day, Maltese Falcon by night.