Oct 25, 2001
on GetAsia.com.ph
under pseudonym
Rene Diwa
Topak : A
Reflection on Handling a Specific Relationship Crisis While on the Jeep
As the ride
draws on, it turns out the lovers aren't exactly on speaking terms. The
woman is obviously mad at something and won't say why or what about. She
faces away from the guy, dressed in her business suit, a GUESS paper bag
(supposedly carrying her empty lunch Tupperware) on her lap, a look of
brash indifference on her face. And the poor guy is stumbling around topics,
trying to get her to reveal the reason for the silence. He tries coaxing
her with a few gentle caresses on her hand, but is promptly brushed off.
He keeps asking her what this is about. And his kakulitan is so irritating,
pretty soon I'm the one about ready to bash a fist in his face. Except I
know what's happening here. The woman
is mad at something that the guy said or did. A rash word of comment about
the way her clothes fit her perhaps, or a fleeting look at a pretty young
office girl in a hallway. And the guy can't, for the life of him, remember
what ticked her off so much. The woman is now in a state of minute sensitivity
and the man is still in a dense stupor, stumbling about in a fog. Of course,
it could be a ploy. Maybe the guy knows EXACTLY what he did wrong but
just won't say.
Rush hour on a Wednesday evening. I board a jeep and squeeze myself into
a crevice between a pair of lovers and a gnarled giantess with a bag full
of bogus Nike sneakers.
Whatever the real reason for this crisis is irrelevant, however. What now matters is how the guy handles the delicate balancing act which may either rescue the rest of the evening from a whirlpool of blame-throwing or plunge it deeper into distress.
Then the cell phone rings.
It is the woman's. But because she is paying no heed to either her partner or the phone in her bag, it is the man who answers. Of course, the call is for her. The man gingerly offers her the phone, saying the name of a common friend. She wastes no words and merely shakes her head impatiently.
"Sige na, sagutin mo na…", he repeats.
No success. So he talks to the caller instead. It is then that he utters some of the stupidest words of the night.
"Ayaw kang kausapin pare. Pasensiya na. May topak eh."
What happens afterward I am no longer privy to, because I disembark. But I'm pretty sure the woman either blows up in a fury or continues to disregard her partner for the rest of the evening. Maybe even the rest of the week. I know I would, if I were her.
See, this is the quandary us males face in such a situation… (and I share this not because I am an expert, but rather because I have had my share of such "dedma" experiences in the past)… whether or not we were really at fault, we MUST SAY WE ARE GUILTY, apologize and soothe her ego back to its communicative state. And yes, this must be done, even when we are unsure what our sin is.
Only afterwards will she open up and maybe tell you why she was so mad. If you're lucky. If you're not, she will continue to speak in riddles. But at least she'll be speaking, eh?
Yes, it's not fair. Admitting guilt for a crime we have not been accused of? Sorry to break the news, but you're not just accused of it, you're already hanging from the gallows for it.
Yes, it's not fair. You may end up continuously begging for forgiveness. And it will hurt your male pride like the plague. But it might just keep the relationship going. At least long enough for the two of you to figure each other out.
Yes, it's difficult. Women speak in riddles when they're hurt. Or they cover up their vulnerability in silence. You won't understand what's wrong. Or what's going on. You may pull out all your hair in dismay and you still won't be able to fathom her depths.
But at least, you'll have her in your life. And what's a little male pride in comparison to that?
Finally, when you DO realize what you did to get her all riled up, make the decision to stop. To never do it again. And boy, you better not ever do it again or you'll be in a worse quagmire—the trap of "breaking your promises."
Final piece of advice?
Whatever you do, don't ever say she has "topak" in front of her and an audience. You will regret it for the rest of your misbegotten life.
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<About
The Author>
You can reach Rene Diwa at yoruba@email.ro.